just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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