They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
