Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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