Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She's the barista slut.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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