I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We have started to decorate penises.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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