I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
