I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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