You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
