I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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