I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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