I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
