Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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