IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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