I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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