I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
