im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
