i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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