new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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