Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
