Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
