im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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