I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
