It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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