The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need a beard to bite.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
