Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
