My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize