when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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