i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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