happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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