a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
