I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
