i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
