Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
