I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
