I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
