so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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