His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
