Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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