I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
