I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
