she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
