Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
