I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
