FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
