I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
