Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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