Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
