I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
