YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize