The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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