I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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