worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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