the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
