don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
