Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
