im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
