this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
