his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize