so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
