Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
